With apologies to Monte Python: The Witch Script
Prosecutors: We have found a hacker! (A hacker! a hacker!)
Incarcerate her! incarcerate her!
Prosecutor 1: We have found a hacker, may we incarcerate her?
Judge: How do you known she is a hacker?
Prosecutor 2: She looks like one!
Judge: Bring her forward
(Prosecutors present woman to the Judge)
Woman: I'm not a hacker! I'm not a hacker!
Judge: ehh... but you are dressed like one.
Woman: They dressed me up like this!
All: naah no we didn't... no.
Woman: And this isn't my nose ring, it's a false one.
(Judge unclips Fake Illusion Clip-on Nose ring)
Prosecutor 1: Well we did do the nose ring. The nerdy T-shirt, shorts and flash-drive earrings are hers.
Judge: Only the nose ring?
Prosecutor 1: ...And the Mohawk, but she is a hacker!
(all: yeah, incarcerate her incarcerate her!)
Judge: Did you dress her up like this?
Prosecutor 1: No! (no no... no) Yes. (yes yeah) a bit (a bit bit a bit) But she has got carpal tunnel!
(Prosecutor 3 points at wrist splint)
Judge: What makes you think she is a hacker?
Prosecutor 2: Well, she pwned me!
Judge: Pwned you?!
(Judge studies Prosecutor 2, who pauses, eyes darting furtively about)
Prosecutor 2: I reinstalled from original media.
Prosecutor 3: Incarcerate her anyway! (Incarcerate her Incarcerate her Incarcerate!)
(Random Head of State walks in)
Random HoS: There are ways of telling whether she is a hacker.
Prosecutor 1: Are there? Well then tell us! (tell us)
Judge: Tell me... what do you do with hackers?
Prosecutor 3: Incarcerate ‘em! Incarcerate them all! (incarcerate incarcerate incarcerate)
Judge: What do you incarcerate apart from hackers?
Prosecutor 1: More hackers! (Prosecutor 2 nudges Prosecutor 1)
Prosecutor 3: Pirates!
Judge: So, why do you incarcerate hackers?
Prosecutor 2: Cuz they're… PIRATES?
(crowd congratulates Prosecutor 2)
Judge: So, how do we tell if she is a Pirate?
Prosecutor 1: Unlicensed copies of music!
Judge: Ahh, but can you not also make copies of software?
Prosecutor 1: Oh yeah...
Judge: Will unlicensed copies of music play in iTunes?
Prosecutor 1: No
Prosecutor 3: No!
Prosecutor 1: Let's play her music on my iPhone! (yeah yeah ya!)
Judge: What also does not play on iPhones?
- Random HoS: Apps!
(all look and stare at HoS)
Judge: Exactly! So, logically...
Prosecutor 1: If she writes an app that doesn’t play on iPhone then her music is unlicensed so she’s either a pirate…
(wait for it)
Prosecutor 3: A hacker! (Prosecutor 1: a hacker)( Prosecutor 2: a hacker)(all: a hacker!) hacker! incarcerate her incarcerate her!!